I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
