my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
