The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
