why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
