And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
