i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
