I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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