In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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