ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Operation Purity has been aborted
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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