do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
