hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
