i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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