There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
