Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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