i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
