Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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