I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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