never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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