I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
