There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
