I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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