Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
