you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
