were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
