I seem to have left my pride at pride
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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