I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize