I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
