You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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