I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
A+ Viking dick
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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