Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
