you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize