Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
