i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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