Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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