Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
