hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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