If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
