in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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