Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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