I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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