I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize