It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
