my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
