I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
