We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
