Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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