This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
