You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
