Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
