considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
