My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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