Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
