I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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