I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
