I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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