im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
