I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
