I think I won the penis lottery.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
