Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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