"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
