you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
