the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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