Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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