You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
