One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
