I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
